When Did You Know You Had Bipolar

When did you know you had bipolar? Or, what caused your bipolar?

I think about that so I started doing a lot of reading.  I remember when I was in rehab after a binge drug and attempting suicide the doctors gave me Lithium for detox and after detox, along with many other pills.  I think he told me then I had bipolar. But, they treated me for my drinking then for my depression.  Why, I don’t know.

After reading some books I found that you can inherit it? My mom does have it.  Also, I read hat bipolar can be caused by a trauma in your life. I can’t remember too much about my life except for the horrible things that happen to me. But then I can only remember the highlights.

I’ve had many trauma’s in my life, but the first and foremost was my abusive marriage, and the events that followed.  Nothing ever got better, just worse.  I’ve cried all my life hoping for a day when I didn’t cry.  When am I not going to be in pain, not cry and not scream.  I’ve been alone so long that I haven’t really had anyone seriously to talk to would understand.  That’s the way I feel right now – alone.

I’ve always been asked -“How can a beautiful woman like you been unmarried.”  My only answer is I’m scared to have anyone in my life so I keep a wall up.  I have too much baggage and wouldn’t want to put that on anyone.  I carry it all by myself. 

My husband was the nicest man when I met him. He was a musician, but when we got married he stopped.   He always put me on pedestal and treated me like a gem.  Well, that was the first year in our marriage.

It’s said once a musician always a musician.  My husband did go back to playing again, and also back into drugs.  Before I met him I had never done drugs, squeaky clean. It got to the point that I wanted to know what it felt like to shoot drugs.  I should have never gone that far – it felt too good.

I got pregnant about 2 years later, and decided to quit drugs, smoking and drinking.  The whole time I was pregnant I had fearful dreams of having a Mongoloid.  I was very careful with my baby. I do not recommend shooting drugs – it amounts to a whole of pain later in life.

My pregnancy was hell – my husband became jealous, starting doing drugs again, and having affairs with his groupies.  He brought home several diseases to me. While my x was performing at a club, I was in the bathroom being attacked by a girl claiming she was pregnant.  She pointed a 56 magnum at my stomach (I was 7 months pregnant) threatening me.  Luckily, my friends followed her in the bathroom and she was kicked out.  But, she followed up home – we managed to lose her.  There’s a lot more to this, but I’ll talk about it later.

My husband became  very abusive mentally, and physically.  Drugs and alcohol were his demons and they created the devil.  He raped me,  threw me through a plate glass window, tossed me in the fireplace and threw a chair on top and threatened to turn the electric fireplace on.  I was told I would be no good to anyone else, I was trash, I was crazy, and on and on.  The said part is – I believed it. 

On one frightful day, my son saw me crying after an assault and started packing my bags.  He was 2 years old.  That’s when I started planning my escape from my marriage. I don’t know how I’ve survived up to now, because there is so much more abuse and even a rape in my life up to now.  I honestly believe that my drinking, bipolar and dementia were my escapes. Hiding the pain that I have carried for so long.  Now, I’m trying to reclaim my life.

If the doctors say I have a problem, I’m going to accept it and get help. I’ll take the pills and I’ll keep taking them until we get it right.  Some times I get so tired of taking them I have threatened to stop them. But, I can’t they are the only thing that has saved me.

I prayed and prayed over 2 years ago for help and chance in my life.  I’ve had several breakdowns, however, I climb right back up and start again.  I’ll keep doing that until I get a grip on life.  I don’t want to live like I did before. I know there is more to life and I’m going to find it.  Who knows, I might find a man that I can trust and can love me unconditionally.

Thanks for listening


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