I Wanted To Believe There Was A God

Believing in God

Have you ever asked yourself, “Why can’t I believe in God?”   I so desperately wanted to believe in God, and all I needed was some sign.  I wanted to believe in heaven.

The time came when I experienced angels and especially God. 

It all began with my dreams that I’ve had for a long time.  You know the ones where your friends and family look at you and “Yea, keep dreaming.”   That always bothered me. 

I’ve had dreams since I was a little girl.  I wanted to be fastest girl on the track team in school.  I knew some how when I was at the starting line and looking at the finish line I was going to be there before anyone else.  At the time I didn’t know how I knew.  I just wanted it so badly, and I could see it happen in my mine.  That day I won and went on to All State.  I went on to believe that if you dream it, work hard you can achieve anything.

My dreams were all so real and some how I knew not to give up on them. I would see visions of my dreams for the future.  I started to read the bible when I was struggling with my life by reaching out for help.   The bible became my friend.

I use to think God didn’t exist because he never answered my prayers. When I asked him a question I never got an answer.  Or, maybe I just wasn’t listening.

My life has been a rough journey and I’m surprised I’ve made it this far.  I did a lot of stupid things I did in my life.  I use to believe if I was bad God wouldn’t have anything to do with me.  I learned that wasn’t so. I learned he loved you unconditionally, but I wanted him to love the person I wanted to be.

In 1989, I had a serious major surgery.  I had hemorrhage in my stomach  looking like I was 4 months pregnant.  I was sitting in a restaurant with a friend when my stomach began hurting really bad, and the jumpsuit I had on was getting tighter and tighter.  I staggered towards the door and the hostess ask if she could do anything and I said know.   I got in the car wondering how I was going to drive, but some how I knew god was on my side behind the wheel driving me home.  I got home and literally crawled up the stairs to my bed.  I called my dad.  I don’t know why I didn’t call the ambulance.  My dad was there in about 20 minutes.  They helped me to get down the stairs and every tiny move was painful.  I laid in back of the camper and every bump they hit I would scream. I was so scared I couldn’t imagine what was wrong. I got to the emergency room and the nurse said you need to empty your bladder.  “Are you kidding me!  I can’t even move!   About that time my doctored arrived with a big huge syringe full of vallum.   I didn’t remember anything for 2 days.

It turned out my fever got so high the doctors thought they were going to lose me so they put me in a bath tub of ice.  I don’t remember any of this.  The doctors ended up sending me to surgery. They had to remove half of my colon, uterus, ovaries and put a colonoscopy (a bag) on me. I woke up in my room with my mother sitting at my side.  I had tubes out my nose, stomach in couple of places and a huge bandage on my stomach.   I remember the doctor coming in and telling me “Your one lucky girl.  With the amount of blood you lost you shouldn’t have lived.”   I prayed that night and thanked god for seeing me through the surgery safely. 

Can you relate to this story?  God has played a part  in my life for a long time.  It just took a nudge to get me to listen to him.  When I began to listen and hear him a whole new way of life opened up for me. I realize now that it was God that was there with me all the time and there were times that he tested me.    My journey begins with the pains and failures I went through before God really came into my life and we worked together.  Come with me…

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4 thoughts on “I Wanted To Believe There Was A God

  1. Dont missunderstood me: i believe in God, in angels, and in his great grace. But sometimes i have questions… so maybe we are the one, who make us sick? I read a lot of books. I think, the ones of Abraham answer this question..
    (Abraham-Hicks, channeled true Ester…)

    Greetings

    • I do believe we can make ourself sick. I have done it many times by obsessing. I can get myself into an anxiety attack by worrying about something really bad. I’ve come to realize you just need to let it go. It’s usually not as bad as it seems to me.

      Blessings

    • I’ve asked that several times. However, he has gotten me this far. I just had too many things happen that were unexplained. Yes, I’m sick have been for a long time. I believe it’s all for a purpose. Maybe to live a different life than being suicidal or drinking my life away. Or, is it writing this blog about God? I read that you have to help your self before he will help. After years of drinking I awoke one morning and said no more. Something gave me the strength to do that. Was it God or was it just me? My life has been a little different since.

      Tk

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